It has been 2 months.
We’ve been dating for 2 months already. Wrong. I’ve been dating you for 2 months, you’ve been going out with me for 2 months. As much as I believe it doesn’t, the nomenclature for relationships does matter.
I’m so in love with you, and I really like you a lot. But you want me to love you less (why would you want that, I thought). I really couldn’t understand why. I yearn to hold your hand, share a hug with you and sneak a little kiss on your cheek. But you mentioned that we couldn’t, because it’s too early. I didn’t listen. I’m sorry.
Eventually, we held hands, and I thought it was going great. It was after your birthday party. 6am-ish. I crashed after drinking a little too much. I waited for you to come to the room where all your other friends were in. In the morning, I saw you and I asked if you wanted to go hang somewhere. I knew I had to hold your hand, I knew I needed to hold your hand. You were sitting on the bench outside your chalet, hesitant. I grabbed your hand, and we walked – holding hands, it seemed really surreal that we’re dating but I liked it anyways.
We held hands ever since. When you ‘rejected‘ holding my hands once, I was devasted. But you said “I really wanted to hold your hand,” and I was touched – I nearly couldn’t believe it. I began to love you more, daringly, if I could just use the word. I became selfish, greedy, reckless. I wanted more, I wanted things to be fast, I wanted your love. The more I liked you, the more you didn’t. I was unknowingly stifling you. I’m sorry. Gradually, you pulled away from me, bit by bit, and I was too dense to see it. I couldn’t see past the cloud of denial that was dancing in front of me. Maybe this is why I’m suffering right now.
After tonight, I realised how much of a dick I was – self-seeking, full of myself, and pushing expectations on someone who hardly knows me. What was I thinking? The girl that you like and so dearly love is pulling herself away because of your advances – you and your fucking retarded, unspoken expectations, Luke.
I didn’t realise we were going fast. I didn’t know how slow you needed. You mentioned it a few times, but I thought we could pick things up when the emotions were stirring. I’m sorry. You’ve really been the best thing in my life so far – sure, I may find someone else special in the future if things doesn’t work out, but hey, your mark will never leave my heart. I just wished that I wasn’t so caught up with chasing you. I wished that I had stopped to think “for you“, instead of purely “of you“.
It’s hurt me when you told me about your past the other day. I thought to myself, how could you even let this happen? But then again, if it hadn’t, then we wouldn’t. I was being dumb and stupid, immature, if you could say. I’m so sorry. Losing you, that’s the worst thing that could happen to me. But I’ve gotten over your past, and I’m willing to embrace it. I like you for who you are. And that doesn’t hide the fact that you have your past, it just makes you look stronger, cooler, and much more awesome than who you were – and that’s the person I love.
You drink, you club, and you have a couple of guy best friends. Honestly, I wasn’t bothered by it at first. I think having best friends who are of a different gender is cool. I had a best friend once in JC, and we grew apart as she had her own “life’s problems” to face, and I had my own fair game in the Army. But it made me insecure anyway. Fear. Fuck fear. They make or break situations. I fear a lot of things, but how I tackle through all those was just believing in myself and let it rain. This time, this time it’s different. It’s you. You are closer to all your friends than you are me. And that just gave me anxiety – nonexistent feelings of worry that I’ll lose you. I know girls hate it when guys are insecure. I’m usually not. I just.. find that you’re so special to me. I’m sorry, milady. I’ve failed you. I’ve lost you.
I want to restart things, and start from common ground. Slow and steady right? I can do that. If we’re going to date for 2 years, so be it. If you’re the love of my life, what is 2 years compared to a lifetime with each other? I don’t want to press you and force you unto me. (I was being a jerk, and totally unlike myself.) I hope we can still go out and continue to date. I’ve cleared my mind, accepted the risk, and pondered over, through and through. We could have went better than we did, at our current point, than we are if I had slowed myself down to your pace. I’m sorry I didn’t listen when I should have. I’m sorry things had to turn out this way. And I’m sorry for not being able to give you what you seek.
Sometimes I wish we never texted. I wish I wasn’t given the chance to articulate my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. I wish that I could’ve filtered out whatever that said and- no, I wish I could take it all back. But somedays I just thought, if we hadn’t back then, then we wouldn’t have today. I’m so sorry for being pushy, and being a total dickhead. I really like you, but I guess I subconsciously wanted things to go fast.
If things are better, great. If they’re not, I’m okay. I’ll put on a smile if you’re happy, but should you want to know, it’s a facade. For you’ve owned my heart but I’ve barely gotten close to yours.
If you ever happen to chance upon this, I want you to know that I miss you and I wish everything can go back to us dating.
Image: @antoniolws (Instagram)